why do i feel responsible for my family's happiness

We may know that life is better, easier, and less lonely when we were with each other, except when it isn't. At those times, it is tempting to assume . However the converse is important. It can be very difficult when you're going through what you are going through. My parents followed me all around the country until my ex got a job offer in NYC..that's when they moved to FL since they couldn't afford to live back East. Notice what makes you feel good about yourself. Yes, I still feel responsible for my ex's happiness. Read On! People may not be show up the way you want them to, but when you accept them where they are you can let go, forgive and release. Its taken me years to understand why I feel such a guilt and responsibility towards my parents. In the last year I have had many an some very serious reasons to worry about an try to help family members. It means you allow them to be where they are and you dont try to change them. Feeling as though we have sole responsibility for others happiness causes anxiety. Self-acceptance is usually a positive thing, but not if you are using it as an excuse to avoid the work of necessary change. You are responsible for only your happiness. The bottom line is this: I am NOT responsible for her happiness and you are not responsible for your mother's happiness either. Can Humans Detect Text by AI Chatbot GPT? Then we suffer if we cant. Psychology Today 2023 Sussex Publishers, LLC, Source: Image by Clker-Free-Vector-Images, pixabay.com, CC0, Psychology and the Mystery of the "Poisoned" Schoolgirls. The idea is to use the letters in STOP to remind you how to STOP your own self-caused suffering: S = See what you are doing to yourself. Just recognizing that you are hurting yourself is a big step forward. Thanks for reaching out. Nor do you have any control over his job frustrations. How to Honor Your Feelings. Misery-Maker 5: Blaming other people and situations for things you can control or passively accepting what you could change. Having grown up in a family where it was ' my job' to keep my mother contented, I am finally calling her out on it. O = Brainstorm your Options and choose one to try.. Please don't give up! This friend was going through a tough time, and when my friend left, she felt this heavy weight on her. You are not a sole agent working exclusively under your own power. They will die if you leavelife isn't worth living. When we invite spirit in through prayer we return to our right mind and find acceptance. So basically, you do understand and are right on. 4. If you ever try to fix other peoples problems or make yourself responsible for their happiness, I hope the tips I offer in this post will help you to release that need. Keep in mind, this is all before they even turned 80, so not talking about super-aged here. 11 views, 0 likes, 0 loves, 1 comments, 0 shares, Facebook Watch Videos from Jumpstart Coaching Lab: Want to know the difference between success or failure as a financial professional? Just let the drama go in one ear and out the other, and look into placing her into a senior apartment building where she'll have NO EXCUSE not to entertain herself. Get the help you need from a therapist near youa FREE service from Psychology Today. Knowing what you value will help you build the most meaningful life possible. Agree that there should be a whole body of literature on this, I was surprised when I struggled to find any! Shes really struggling. Children therefore believe that they have a larger impact on their parents' emotions and well-being then they actually do. Are you causing your own suffering? Examples: There was a fiery crash on the interstate. How to Stop the Misery: Change it and you language to I language. Sometimes sharing the pain in this new, differentiated way, which is not a jab or an attack in the heat of a fight, can still lead to a certain distance, coldness, or even a rupture. This thread is archived New comments cannot be posted and votes cannot be cast 43 12 12 comments Best lovelydelusion 4 yr. ago My parents are in a nursing facility. spirituality. But codependents make the leap of feeling responsible for others' pain and happiness. Only your mom can make herself happy. Use Life Itself to Dissolve Your Identity, What Eckhart Tolle Gets Wrong About Karma. You dont have to react in a certain way to every expression of emotion from them. Whether you broke your partner's favorite pen, forgot an important. Not taking responsibility for someone's happiness is much different that not caring about others' feelings, thoughts, etc. You'll probably find this scenario quite common. Can I claim them on my taxes? You want to help them find the solution, make smart choices and see the light. Gordon, L. H. (1996). 6. We worry about others, and we blame ourselves for their unhappiness. You were NEVER responsible for your mom's happiness (or lack thereof). I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!! So, you cannot be responsible for everyone and everything. How much time did it waste away? spirituality, My Interview on Oprahs SuperSoul Sunday, Blogs Reviewed by Davia Sills. I find her work in general very helpful for living peacefully with yourself. (he's in a pretty dark place right now, I'm employed, he's not). We were married for 18 years, together 25 but he was very depressive, quite angry sometimes and I got fed up walking on eggshells. The 2 Most Psychologically Incisive Films of 2022, The Surprising Role of Empathy in Traumatic Bonding, How a Stronger Body Can Transform Your Identity, Two Questions to Help You Spot a Clingy Partner-to-Be. Reviewed by Abigail Fagan. Would I benefit from changing? Then make a plan and tinker with it until you can get it to work. Although it does take work, you can decide to change behavioral habits and do it successfully. If you spend your whole life waiting for the storm, youll never enjoy the sunshine.Morris West. Thats not to say we shouldnt feel good when things go well. Often, we believe that if we cater to what everyone wants, theyll be happy and we can avoid unpleasant conflict. 3 steps to follow when you want to fix other people's problems When you feel the urge to be the fixer, follow the three steps I outline below. You depend on all sorts of causes and conditions, just like a tree depends on a seed, water, and nutrients to grow. 5. Retrieved We do everything we can think of to make sure others are happy. Attract everything you want with my most impactful meditations. Because you wrote MY story! 13 Small Decisions That Will Ease Anxiety. If she does not want to socialize, spend time and effort with others, well of course she will be lonely. I believe since you have awareness that you have sacrificed some of your own happiness to benefit your parent, it might be a signal to start tending to your own needs. When you try to fix someone else, you just get in the way of their potential to experience this miracle. I've personally wallowed in every one of the 10 Misery-Makers at some point in my life. health Your dad is being cared for and it sounds like your mother's needs at this point are mostly emotional. The hard truth is that there was little, if anything, they could have done. (2016, May 5). I am only 52, have a husband and a more-than-full-time job. Why do I feel responsible for everyone's feelings? I am trying to 'fix' my partner in an uncomfortable way, and when he is unhappy or down, I take it all personally, as if it is a reflection on me. Don't forget to care about yourself. Meanwhile, there's a bunch of things going on at the ALF that she chooses NOT to do, for one reason or another. She felt a responsibility to make sure her friend was okay. Misery-Maker 10: Thinking that you have to do it all yourself. For example, no one can make you mad. You can control your inner response to events much of the time. The material of this web site is provided for informational purposes only. It's so upsetting that they try to resolve the negative feelings and problems of people close to them. You feel ashamed or fearful when you make a mistake. After a few years they began having a lot of arguments and I ended up getting pulled into the drama as a marriage counselor of sorts, trying to keep the peace. Only your mom can make herself happy. You are responsible FOR your words, choices, dreams, feelings and TO him. Misery-Maker 4: Blaming yourself for things you can't control. :). Youre not to blame for everything, but you are responsible for yourself. 2010 - 2021 Sandra Pawula. It sounds like you've been through a lot starting when you were very young and carrying that into adulthood. Threatening suicide is "Emotional Blackmail." Start tuning into your actions. Or look at a situation that caused you to worry or feel anxious for another person. Begin to question it. Replace your thoughts with more realistic ones that help you internalize the fact that you cant be fully responsible for someone elses happiness and that worrying wont change this. You're chosen a solid resource when it comes to CBT and working with a therapist can do wonders. These are opportunities to pivot, to hit our knees and fully surrender. If she suicides, it will be her choice for which you are not responsible and you can make that clear to her. You are responsible for no onew happiness except your own. That does not mean being oblivious to their hurt. Hugs! Examples: Why do you always say the wrong thing? Why cant you lose weight? Whats wrong with you?, No, its not your worst enemy saying that; its your own critical inner voice. My family is my strength in hard times. Site last updated March 4, 2023, Stressed, Anxious When Things Are Good? What I wonder is if you know of any literature I could read to support me in making the small incremental changes you mention above? You feel youre responsible for your parents marital conflicts. It can actually feel like something you physically drag around. Mind if I turn up the heat? I need some alone time right now. Acting more assertive is thrilling, no matter how small the issue. She makes me mad. Brrr. Most of us have felt for our entire lives that our personal needs are weird and inconvenient to others. I'm not sure though. But almost all of us take responsibility for more than our part, though it may appear on a subtle or subconscious level: Thats a sign that we think we alone are responsible.

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